Jersey: *Picking some flowers for a moment until he looks up and sees a large and ominous-looking mansion* Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhh……. *Runs back to the others* Got some dandelions, guys!
Penn: Well ain’t THAT just “DANDY”?! *Rimshot*
South: Quit it with the puns, seriously…
Penn: What?! I’m trying to roll up bouquets and we don’t have any music playing! I gotta do something to liven up the mood! Besides, I’m on…A “ROLL”!!! *Rimshot*
South: *Annoyed* I DON’T CARE! THEY’RE ANNOYING!!!
Penn: Sheesh, you really need to know when to stop and “SMELL THE ROSES”!!! *Rimshot*
South: One more and I’ll shove those flowers up your bloody nose that they BECOME roses!
Jersey: OL’EIII *Stuffs flowers into the rolls*
Penn: Everyone’s a critic…
Jersey: So what are we doing this for? I forget.
Penn: It’s a surprise!
South: For who?
Penn: If I told you, there wouldn’t be a surprise!
South: So what, is it for us?
Penn: Need I repeat myself? I haven’t told anyone of the surprise! For all you know, it could be for me! It could be for him! It could be for you! Or maybe…someone else entirely!
South: Stop being weird and just tell us already!
Penn: *Shrugs and holds up a flower* Let’s just keep going and you’ll see in due time!
South: *Sneers and grunts* Tch… Whatever… I’ll just do this over here if we’re done fooling around!
Penn: What’cha doin’?
South: Nothing YOU need to know, Mr. Surprise!
Penn: *Snorts* Hmph! Just don’t set them on fire…
Jersey: Yeah, that wouldn’t be cool…
Penn: YEEHEEHEE!!! That would be the exact opposite! *Rimshot*
South: One more pun! I DARE YOU!!! *Holds a lighter to one of the flowers and glares at Penn with fire in his eyes*
South: That’s what I thought! *Turns around*
Penn:……..(Wow… I think a certain hot-head needs to cool off and just doesn’t know it yet…) *Smirks*
Jersey: What’s that look for?
Penn: Oh, nothing… (I got an idea…) *Sprinkles some red powder into a rose bouquet* Hey, check this out, South! I put together the perfect bouquet of Red-Hot Roses!
South: Whoopty-freakin’-doo… (Seriously, this guy just lives to annoy me…)
Penn: Wanna at least take a look? Maybe take a whiff?
South: *Sighs* If it’ll get you to shut up, fine! *Takes it from Penn and looks at them* Huh… Yeah, I guess it looks kind of nice… *Sniffs* Smells alright. *Gives it back* Whatever…now leave me alone!
Penn: (What?! It…isn’t working?!) Hey, Jersey. Sniff these for a sec.
Jersey: ‘K. *Smells the roses and sighs* Niiiice~!
Penn: (I can’t believe it, it’s not working!) *Smells it* (That was my Inferno Cinnamon Pepper! It should have set all our noses on fire………on…………fire………?!?!?!)
South: Hey, guys, you smell anything burning?
Jersey: Nope. Just my lungs.
Penn: Oh… Wait, what?
South: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Hair is burning*
Penn: Oh…….. *Looks back to Jersey and sees his head shrunk*
Jersey: *Waves* Hey, guys! When did you get bigger?!
Penn: Crap…….. *Hot air blows out his ears, nose, and mouth* BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
South: *Grabs Penn by his shirt and glares* WHAT?!?!? THE!??!?! FFFFFFF-!!! *Explodes like a bomb*
All three of them hurry to the nearest sprinkler and put their mouths over it only to get tossed back and forth with sumo noises being heard as they slam on the ground. This goes on until they hear a shrill scream.
Penn: Oh dear! That sounded like Latvia screaming in terror!
Jersey: Maybe your brother-in-law just got home!
South: What kind of flowers do that…?! *Recovering from their burning experience*
America: Who screamed?! Is this something for THE HERO to deal with?!!?
Latvia: Look! Up there in the window! I saw a horrible shadowy figure up there! It…gave me a scary glare…and all of a sudden… I felt a horrifying chill! Hold me!!!
Lithuania: Latvia, calm down! Are you sure that’s what you saw?!
Jersey: *Slams a big box on them* Stand back! Protect yourselves! Who knows what kind of evil awaits in the hallowed walls of the House of the Haunted…!
Latvia: *Pokes his head out and screams* AAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!
France: Wee! It ez true! Pierre Chanal’s house was made from zee exact same wood that constructed THAT monstrosity! Such a horrible murderer left his own spirit within those walls upon his suicide!
South: *Plugging his ears* Rrrgh…!!!
Norway: Must be recent! For that house was ALSO made from materials that made the geriatric nursing home, the “Orkdal Alders-og Sjukeheim institution”! That housed so many murdered residents by the hands of Arnfinn Nesset, the venomous manager!
Latvia: *Screams with a bottle over his head* …………………………!!!!!!!!!
South: What are you all, stupid?! It’s just an old empty house!
America: Oh really?! Then I bet you’d have no problem just going in and checking it out, riiiiiiight?!
South: Is that a dare?!
America: *Gives him a ticket* Depends if you want a prize for it!
South: What’s that?
America: Oh, just a… *Whispers it to him* A ticket to any girl ya want at the hottest joint in the whole stinkin’ world! It can be yours if you go inside the house!
Penn: Seriously? That is the cheapest attempt I’ve ever-!
South: What are we waiting for?! *Grabs both Jersey and Penn and goes in* Let’s go!
Jersey: Yup, this is a thing that’s happening right now… Oh hey! Dandelions!
South: All we gotta do is step one foot in the door and I win! Heh heh! I’m getting’ laid tonight!
Penn: *Smirks* (Wow, that was almost too easy…)
Jersey: Ahhh… AAAAHHHH!!! CHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! *Sneezes and the dandelions scatter*
Penn: Bless you!
South: Get any on ya, NJ?
Penn: See anything in there, SC?
South: Yeah, just darkness. Like my Soul…
Jersey: *Waving back to everyone and sneezes again, propelling him into the other two and knocking them over* AAAAHHHH! CHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
SC & PA: AAAAAGH!!!! *They tumble in*
Jersey: Dandelions, guys. They’re reproducing…
Penn: *Muffled* Jersey…please get off my face…
South: This place ain’t haunted! It’s just an old dump!
Jersey: This looks the haunted house from that survival horror game you never shut up about, South!
South: Hey yeah… That gives me an idea… But first off, shut up!
Penn: What are you doing?
South: Just wait and see. But first, c’mere a sec!
South: PENNSYLVANIA!!! *Turns around with a scary face covered in black dusty powder and a few candles* LET ME POKE YOUR BRAIN!!! HUHAHAH!!!
Jersey: You scared ‘em, dude.
South: Yeah, it happens. But that gives me an idea!
Estonia: You think they’re okay in there?
They spend the next several minutes making random screaming and thumping noises, scaring the countries.
South: NO! STOP! WAIT!!! BACK OFF!!! HELP!!!
America: W-Whoa…! What the-?!
South: AAHAHAHHHH!!!! OH NO!!! THEY GOT PENN!!! NO! DON’T COME ANY CLOSER! STAY AWAY!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Latvia: O-Oh, the inhumanity! Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhh…….. *Faints*
Norway: America, three of your States are in danger! You need to do something or they’re goners!
South Carolina and New Jersey continue to make loud, desperate, and almost inaudible noise.
Jersey: HELLO! OW! KNOCK KNOCK!!! WHO’S THERE?! DEAD! DEAD WHO?! I’M DEAD!!!
South: N-NO! DON’T! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! *Whispers to Pennsylvania while Jersey keeps going* Hey, c’mon! Do that laugh you do all the time!
Penn: *Regains composure and sighs before clearing his throat and…* www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ETW8v…
Lithuania: *Panicking* SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!!!
America:….I….I take it back! *Shakes his head and runs up to the door* The bet was a bad idea! I get it! Hang on, guys! HAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!! *Kicks the door in* I’M THE HERO!!! *Sees that they’re okay…and gets annoyed* Huh…? *Sees the awkward looks on their faces* You’re…okay…?
Jersey: Uuuuuuuh…. No…?
America: *Looks at Pennsylvania* That was all just a joke, wasn’t it?
America:……………Real funny… *Drops the ticket and walks out the door* You guys suck. Later… *Walks back to the other Countries* They’re fine, guys! They just decided to pull our legs…
France: Are you serious?! Of all zee ugly tricks…!
South: Tch… It’s just a prank, bruh… Well, at least it was worth it to-! *Is about to get the ticket, but the breeze from the shut door blows into a hole in the floor* H-HUH!?!? AGH!!! NO!!! SON OF A-!!!
Penn: Well THAT sucked.
Jersey: No, it blew!
South: RRRRRRGH!!! But not the kind of sucking and blowing I WANT to happen! We’re going down there RIGHT NOW!
Penn: Seriously?! Haven’t we spent enough time in this creepy place already?!
South: NO! Not until we find that ticket and I’m NOT doing this alone!
Jersey: To be fair, we kinda deserve this.
Penn: *Sighs* Alright, alright… Let’s just get this over with so we can leave! I have a bad feeling about this building’s stability…
Jersey: It shouldn’t take too long. We’ll just go downstairs and-! *Floorboards give way and they fall into a gaping hole*
All three fall down through the deeper-than-expected hole and scream as they go. Outside, the Countries, whom are rather annoyed by the truth that America just told them, sneer, say their pieces, and leave.
America: GIVE IT A REST, YA FREELOADERS!!!
Norway: Brenn I helvete, ya dust breiddjame!!!
America: *Laughing* I don’t even know what that means, but that’s funny! *Walks away laughing*
The three States continue hit several things on the way down until they hit the bottom and land in a room full of mirrors.
South: Urgh… My head’s aching like a motherf-!
Jersey: Are we alive?
Penn: That was an experience and a half… *Looks at the mirror* Uhmm… Why do our heads look like sweet potatoes?!
Jersey: Hahahah…! Look guys! My butt’s never looked finer! *Shakes his buttocks to another mirror*
Penn: Huh? Oh, hey! This is like one of those funhouse mirror rooms!
South: Huh, cool! *Sees a wavy mirror* Hey, I got an idea, guys! C’mere a sec!
The three of them face their reflections in the mirror and start wiggling their whole bodies with their arms up in the air like they just don’t care while saying “WIGGLES!!!” together and then start laughing.
Penn: Heheh… “Sweet potatoes?” What was I thinking? Ah well, better start looking for that ticket. *Searches around*
South: Yeah. Heheheh! Hey, I look pretty good~! *Flexes in front of wonky mirror that makes him look like a beefcake* This is my kind of mirror!
Penn: “Objects in mirror are less attractive than they appear.”
South: *Glares at Penn* What was that?!
Penn: Yeehehehee!!! Just kidding! *Walks away and shrugs* You look MARVELOUS, darling!
South: Just shut up and look for the ticket before I deck ya!
Penn: Okay, okay. I’m gonna look in this room over here. *Goes into the next room and keeps looking until he hears music* Hmm? What the-? Music?!? *Follows the music and disappears into a dark room*www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Zz1r1…
Jersey: *Admiring his reflection and posing like a supermodel* Mmmmmmaaaannn, I look HOT! I always knew I’d make a great model! *Steps onto a hidden panel and sees the mirror he was posing in front of slide to the left and a secret doorway appears* Whoa! Okay, don’t see that every day… Wonder if the ticket fell down here. *Is about to take the stairs to go down even deeper into the depths of the house, but they turn into a slide just as he steps through the door, causing him to lose balance and fall to the slide and disappears into the shadows with the mirror sliding back to where it was* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
South: *Hears that and stops looking to turn around* What the-?! Jersey?! JERSEY?!?!?! *Calls out* PENN?! JERSEY?! Where the heck did they go?! *Looks down and sees the ticket* YES!!! JACKPOT!!! *Reaches down for it, but it moves suddenly* Huh?! Hey, don’t go moving on your own again! *Tries again, but it dodges out of the way* Knock it off! *Is getting more annoyed as he persistently keeps trying* Alright, where’s the string?! And who keeps pulling on it?!
Elsewhere, Pennsylvania keeps listening and following the sound, but then sees another hole in the floor and almost falls in from stepping to close, but he catches himself when he’s just one leg in.
Penn: WHOA, HOLY CRAP!!! *Pulls himself back up* Another hole?! Seriously?! I thought we were in the basement! * Backs up a little* Sheesh, how big is this-! *Backs up too much and a trap door opens beneath him* (It was then that I, Johnathan “Pennsylvania” Benedict had realized…I had screwed up…) HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSEEEEEE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Meanwhile, back with South Carolina…
South: Almost got you, ya little piece of-! *Swiftly snatches it* HAH!!! And I ain’t letting go! *Tries to take the string off, but it’s tightly knotted by a strangely durable tether* What kind of string is this?! Ngh! Okay, you’re REALLY starting to tick me off! Give me back my ticket! *Feels a pull, but refuses to let go* Alright, you wanna play that way?! Then bring it! *Starts pulling back* Try to snag me, I’ll snag YOU! *Follows the string while still holding onto it until he gets pulled into the nearby staircase that leads up* HEY! WAIT!!! *Tries to get better footing, but the pull is too strong and lifts him off his feet and the staircase opens up like a gaping maw* Whut….. NONONONONONONONONOOOOOOO!!!!! HEEEEEELP!!!! THE STAIRCASE IS EATING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Falls into the staircase and into a large black hole that it reveals*
The three States fall into mine carts on a set of tracks deep underground. Jersey was already there by the time Penn and South landed.
Penn: Uuuugh… I’d like to stop falling now… *Looks at the cart in front of him with legs sticking out of it* ACK!!! A CORPSE!?!
South: Ouch…! Motherffffffffffff…. What now?!
Penn: *Whew* Oh, good. It’s just you. Wait, where’s Jersey?
Jersey: Present. *The others turn around and see him* Don’t you know it’s rude to keep people waiting? *Just gets a couple sneers before they start moving* Guess we’re moving now.
Penn: We’re going into a mine shaft?! How is this even possible?! Who built this place?!
South: Well, good news is I found the ticket! But this stupid string won’t let go!
Penn: The string? Wait… That string is what’s pulling us! South, you gotta let go before we go down that hill!
South: NO WAY! I ain’t letting this get away again!
Jersey: Then I guess we’re going for a ride no matter what! Hold on and brace yourselves!www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-_unC…
The carts approach the upcoming hill and go downward. The States find themselves going through a rollercoaster of a ride. They scream in both excitement and slight fear of the unknown while riding through loop-de-loops, hills, upside-down rails, twists and turns, and bumps. Lights illuminate certain spots here and there. They eventually reach a wall and crash right through it and they all died.
Okay, kidding. The wall was actually a curtain the boys tear through it and open their eyes to find that they’ve somehow been stripped of their clothes, their composure, and their dignity.
South: What just happened?!
Penn: WHERE DID OUR CLOTHES GO?!?!
Jersey: Hey~! I got a goooooood view from back here!
South: You WOULD enjoy that, wouldn’t you!?
Penn: Uhhhh…. Is it just me, or are we not alone?
South: Now that you mention it… *Looks down to see someone hiding there* WHO THE-?!?
Belarus: Рада Вас видеть. (Nice to meet you.)
South: AAAHHH!!! WHAT THE F-! *Gets stopped short by a sudden kiss*
Penn: Whoa~! Looks like Valentine’s Day’s come early this year… *Feels a warm embrace* Hmm, so who’s trying to sneak up on me??? *Sees two arms wrapped around him from behind and two large, plush breasts*
Ukraine: Угадай, кто~! (Guess who~!)
Penn: *Smirks* And here I thought we were in trouble…
Belgium: Hoi, soldaat jongen… (Hi, soldier boy…)
Jersey: There are so many questions I should be asking right now, but screw it…
The three States are now sharing mine carts with three sexy Countries of interest. You can already imagine what’s going on here, but because of DeviantART’s sensitivity to mature content, I’m just gonna let you guys use your imaginations to determine what they do along the way to the end of the ride. Let’s just say… They’re not quite as scared as they were before. They reach the end of the railroad and get flung out of the mine carts, still buck naked and fly onto a large trampoline that sends them flying up a hole in the ceiling of the caverns and into a secret chamber back in the mansion.
Jersey: Okay, THAT was something else…!
South: *Muffled* GET YOUR BUTT OFF MY FACE!!!
Jersey: Whoops… *Gets up* So…is the ride over?
Penn: HAH!!! *Looks around* Looks to me like it’s just begun! *Sees Ukraine on top of him* You set all this up, didn’t you?
Ukraine: *Giggles* Nothing gets past you~!
South: Hey, where’d my ticket go?
Belarus: You mean THIS ticket?! *Holds and waves it before tearing it* You won’t be needing it.
South:……………. *Feels like he should be mad, but isn’t…rather, he’s a little nervous* You’re not mad at me, are you? Heheh…
Belarus: That depends…!
Jersey: Wow! Best birthday ever!
Belgium: You didn’t think I would forget, did you?
Jersey: Wouldn’t dream of it, babe!
Penn: And so once more, the story ends with the three of us…
South: Stuck together in an unexpected way…but I ain’t complainin’ anymore.
Jersey: There’s a first time for everything.
Belgium: And now for the best part…
Ukraine: The “ride” was just the warm-up…
Belarus: Now it is time the main event!
For the remainder of the day, night, and into the morning, the three States had a good time with their own respective Country girl. There was making out. There was massaging. There was squeezing. There was much true Love Makin’. What? You were expecting this to end differently? What WERE you expecting?! YEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEE!!!!!